Effective. Efficient. Dominant. Top-notch. Winner. Champion. These are all words that describe the best of the best, the cream of the crop, the top of the mountain. The New England Patriots. The San Antonio Spurs. Alexander the Great. Genghis Khan. Winners all.

And then, there’s Donovan McFab.

Donovan McFab is the Meg Griffin of my three fantasy teams, so utterly inept in every conceivable way that it deserves derision for the mere fact that it exists. I have become the Taco to my League, as relevant as old sneakers and easier to beat than fresh eggs. Big matchups are often circled on the calendar; when any of the nine other teams see me on their schedule, they erase the circle and write a “W” in neon permanent marker.

Imagine a pickup basketball game. The four teams in my league with 5-3 records are the two captains and the first two picks. The five teams with 4-4 records are the next participants, mostly interchangeable, decent and unspectacular. Then, there’s the last pick. And not just any last pick. I’m talking protruding belly, poorly fitted Larry Bird jersey, headband to keep the sweat from pouring from a shiny bald scalp, 48-year old teenager wannabe, sipping a Big Gulp on the sideline while yelling at the players from the previous game to get off the court and learn the fundamentals of the sport.

Yes, folks, in a league where nine teams have at least four wins, I’m wasting away in the cellar at 0-8.

Look away! *cringe*

You may be saying, “0-8 is bad but it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Other fantasy owners start 0-8 all the time!”

No.

This should be impossible to do in a league like this. There is no dominant team, meaning that I should have at least lucked my way into a win or two. And when you break down the numbers, it looks more and more like Donovan McFab could be the worst Yahoo fantasy football team in 2015.

The numbers do not lie:

  • Every team in the league has scored at least 956 points except for mine. Donovan McFab avoids scoring like the plague, netting 793.2 points to put me 163 off-pace. I’ve been outscored by more than 40% of my total team points!
  • The closest I came to a victory was Week 5, when I lost by 14.05 points. Yes, every single loss has been by double digits.
  • In Week 3, I lost by 105.46 points.
  • This is not a typo: my AVERAGE MARGIN OF DEFEAT IS 40.11 POINTS. That is freaking impossible.
  • “I’m pretty stoked to be playing you David” – my opponent this week in the league chatroom

Injuries have hurt, I will admit. LeVeon Bell was out, and now is out AGAIN (just my luck). Alshon Jeffery has been hurt all year. Martavis Bryant was suspended for the first four games. But this is just ridiculous, come on. I don’t have the WORST players. It’s simply not my year. My starting lineup this week, though, gives you an idea of the dire straits I find myself in:

QB: Russell Wilson

RB: LeVeon Bell

RB: CJ Spiller

WR: Martavis Bryant

WR: Michael Crabtree

WR: Terrance Williams

TE: Zach Ertz (oops, bye week. First time I did that this year)

As is customary, losers tend to lose focus on the task at hand. So I had Buffalo in on defense this week (bye) and the aforementioned Ertz. This isn’t a pattern, and I would not have won this week anyway. I still lost by 41.84, right around my season average. Hooray.

I didn’t play Alshon Jeffery this week, leaving 27 points on the table. I benched the perpetually disappointing CJ Anderson only to see him have his best game of the season. IT’S ONE OF THOSE YEARS.

The ultimate example of the year I’ve been having is this: about Week 4 or 5, I needed to replace my two starting receivers, one of which was hurt and the other of which had a bye. My options were Jeffery, Bryant, Davonte Adams, and Sammy Watkins. Every single one was injured. So I had to play with two open receiver slots, netting a grand total of ZERO POINTS. The upshot of it all was that even if I had received 30 points of production out of those two spots, I still would have lost.

Here’s the point

Look, I’m not terrible at fantasy football considering I only started playing two years ago. I finished second in my lone league last year, I’m leading another one this year, and close to the top yet another. I am an average to good fantasy football player (there’s no such thing as a perpetually great fantasy football player, or a fantasy football expert).

I’m thinking this is just one of those situations where literally every break doesn’t go my way. Not just a bad break here or there, but quite possibly every single little bounce.

Or, I just suck. I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted about when (or if) I get my first win, and I will publicly shame whoever falls to my roster of misfits.

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