Next Year, D.C. has finally entered the Buzzfeed realm. A headline like that all but wraps it up. I don’t blame you for looking away.
Why not have some fun, though? I saw Captain America: Civil War recently (it was quite good) and figured I had good reason to write a piece like this.
To allay any possible confusion, this list of D.C. figures does not encompass D.C. comics exclusively. We’re talking about comics in general.
Tomorrow, I’ll go over D.C. sports figures as comic book villains. Thursday, we’ll do D.C. sports figures as comic book embarrassments (spoiler alert: Jim Zorn is Squirrel Girl).
So, without further ado, I present D.C. sports figures as comic book heroes:
Bryce Harper is Superman
Perhaps he’s not more powerful than a locomotive, or faster than a speeding bullet, but he can clear tall buildings in a single swing and is the all-American hero that baseball needs.
He is Mormon, though. Not sure if that’s a sticking point with Superman. But I digress.
Harper’s strike zone is like Superman’s skin – nothing is getting past it without
Kryptonite which, in Harper’s case, is the occasional offspeed pitch away.
He’s also misunderstood. Yelling “fuck you” to an umpire is probably not the best way to conduct oneself in the public eye, but then again, Superman took over the Earth and enslaved humans on numerous occasions so who’s really the asshole here?
Alex Ovechkin is the Winter Soldier
Pop quiz! Who fits this description: Russian, perceived by outsiders to be a villain, who hits hard and shoots things for a living, speaks two languages, wears a mask, and just can’t seem to find a happy ending.
I rest my case.
Kirk Cousins is Captain America
Both are god-fearing, clean cut white boys who developed into team leaders overnight. They also both throw things for a living. Cousins’ nickname is Captain Kirk. This comparison couldn’t be more spot-on unless Cousins was somehow frozen and brought back to life in 2050. Since the Redskins will likely need to pay a king’s ransom to retain his services, it might be the best option as far as team leverage is concerned.
Unfortunately, Cousins hasn’t been in the league long enough to develop a foil a la Red Skull, who is the physical embodiment of everything Hitler. I’d say Jerry Jones is the closest thing to Hitler the NFL has to offer but 1) that’s offensive to Hitler, 2) my opinions are invariably colored, and 3) Cousins needs to play the Cowboys a few more times for that animosity to legitimately develop.
John Wall is…Black Lightning? Help me out here.
Is this racist? It’s probably racist. Eeeeeek. Wall, as good a player and human being as he is, just doesn’t seem to have a particularly spot-on hero counterpart. But he’s lighting-fast and literally African-American, and Black Lightning is apparently an actual character, so it works, right? Right? Validate me, please. If not Black Lightning then at least Black Panther, I guess, but we’re still treading the same uncertain waters with that one.
Trent Williams is Heimdall
I’m not enough of a comic book geek to have known about Heimdall before Thor hit theaters, so my knowledge is limited. He’s big, strong, and stands watch over the road into Asgard (he’s an As-guard). Nothing gets past him in the comics, I’d assume, because he’s an Asgardian sieve in his appearances in the MCU, but let’s assume for the sake of this article that he’s close to impenetrable. Well, that’s Trent Williams for you. Sure, he makes a few mistakes but you can’t argue with the results. He’s one of the finest players at his position and guards that pocket like his life depends on it.
I’d also like to start a petition to nickname Williams “Heimdall” because wouldn’t that just be the sickest thing of all time?
Desean Jackson is the Flash, but maybe more like Reverse Flash because he’s not altogether likeable. Still the fastest dude in the NFL, though.
Nicklas Backstrom is Robin, mostly because he plays second fiddle to Ovechkin, at least in the public eye. Joel Schumacher ruined Robin for an entire generation despite the character being of use in the comics.
Sean Taylor is Beast, for reasons that need no explanation.
Dusty Baker is Stan Lee, because he’s the old guy who never stops smiling, always has fun, and has a Midas touch for whatever he’s doing.