Garbage Kyles Quiz

I’ve got some shit Kyles. My huge beautiful GM gave me Kyles who think and speak like the toilet. I have four garbage Kyles: The first Kyle is named Kyle Schwarber, the second Kyle is named Kyle Finnegan, the third Kyle is named Tanner Rainey (a non-Kyle name for an awful Kyle), and the fourth Kyle is the dreaded McGowin. Which one of my toxic Kyles are you? Take this quiz to find out!

1. Which of these garbage things have you done?

Hit the great baseballs my beautiful GM has given my team out of the stadium so that I can never reach them again.

Let every single runner that was on base when you came into the game score without getting any outs for the entire season.

Threw every single pitch to the backstop so hard that the net eventually wore out and a baseball hit one of your nice manager's wonderful fans directly in the face.

Poured a gallon of gasoline on your nice manager's pitching mound and lit it on fire while chanting "fire for a firing" directly at your nice manager.

2. What did you get your nice manager for his worst, most recent birthday?

A T-Shirt with your nice manager's face on it and "If the phone's a ringin' get Suero warmin'" on the back.

An iPhone 7s you said was the new bullpen smartphone so that for a whole homestand when your nice manager tried to bring a reliever into the game they wouldn't be warmed up and would make your nice manager look bad.

A crate of his favorite wine that you meticiously opened, emptied and replaced with cranberry juice and blood, before sneaking into his post game press conference and switching the bottle every game.

Hired an extremely convincing look-alike of your nice manager’s hero, Joe Maddon, to come to your clubhouse and give your nice manager the middle finger, thereby causing your manager to wail and weep long into the night.

3. My garbage Kyles love to steal my credit card and buy bad things. What do you buy when you steal your nice manager’s credit card?

A hundred labels that say "Curveballs" that you put on all the boxes of baseballs so that your nice manager would throw out all of the baseballs and get in trouble with his beautfiul GM. ($500)

A large amount of Spider Tack addressed to Max Scherzer so that when your nice manager tells Max that using Spider Tack is cheating he is beaten to within an inch of his life. ($300 for Spider Tack, $15,000 for hospital bills)

You hire the real Joe Maddon to come to your clubhouse and give your nice manager the middle finger, thus causing him to wail and weep continuously even to this day. ($15)

A flock of African gray parrots that you punctiliously trained to say the phrase "fire this loser manager" whenever your nice manager tried to speak, that you then released into the press room to embarass your nice manager. ($1200)

4. My gutter Kyles have sewer mouths that belch out true terrors. The words they say make me wish the world had exploded before I was born. Which of these toxic things do you say the most?

Sentences involving the phrase "baseballs gone forever"

Sentences involving the phrase "a big and illegal shipment of Spider Tack"

Sentences involving the phrase "World Series ring demolition"

Sentences involving the phrase "pyres for managers"

5. One time, all my garbage Kyles got together to build an enormous 20 armed and 30 legged statue of me weeping in my wonderful dugout. The base of the statue had the inscription “I Don’t Manage. I Damage.” My gutter Kyles built the statue right in the middle of the Center Field plaza where every fan in the city could see it. Now, all the Nationals fans laugh at me and call me “The Cry Coach.”

Have you ever done this to me?

Yes.

Absolutely.

Yes, I loved doing this to you with all of my dumpster soul.

It was the greatest thing I’ve ever done in all of my garbage life.